A query review

a detailed review of a user-submitted query

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In an earlier post, I offered to do a query review if someone was willing to submit one to be reviewed for public consumption. Please keep in mind that everyone’s got their own opinion and I’m not insisting that only mine is correct. BTW, if this type of content interests you, I would strongly recommend you check out the archives of Miss Snark and Query Shark, where a literary agent regularly reviewed queries for years.

I’ll present the query first in its entirety, then go through it in detail.

Dear [First and Last Name of Agent],

[Insert agent personalization here if applicable]. A sticky-fingered nurse joins her regime’s brutal military to save her sister from a deadly plague and exact revenge on the officer who killed her father in ACE OF STEEL, my 84,000-word YA dystopian novel with series potential. It will appeal to fans of the grounded worldbuilding and strong family bonds in Marie Lu’s SKYHUNTER and the female-led revenge arc in Xiran Jay Zhao’s IRON WIDOW.

Seventeen-year-old Thalia Tanner hates her job as a Caregiver at the Purgatory Zone, a facility reserved for Purity Officers and their families struck with the contagious Charcoal Death plague. Supposedly making the Officers more comfortable during their final hours, Thalia robs the living corpses of their valuables to support her mother and sisters. But when the Death infects her youngest sister, Thalia’s only chance at saving her is by enlisting as an Officer and competing in the Steel Gauntlet, four deadly puzzles designed to eliminate all personal weaknesses. If she solves the puzzles within three weeks, she will earn the Death’s cure in exchange for a lifetime’s service as an Officer. If she fails, both she and her sister will die.

Once the Trials commence, Thalia is thrilled to learn that her commanding Officer killed her father in an uprising five years before. Armed with her expert knife skills, she plans to murder the Officer before she earns the cure at graduation. But first, she must survive the Gauntlet in close proximity with the Officer’s son, Cedric Carrington, an annoyingly handsome rich boy obsessed with his own dreams of vengeance. Against her better judgment, she falls in love with Cedric as she slashes her way to the final puzzle. But when her father’s insurgents track her down and urge her to rebel against the Officers, Thalia must decide whether fulfilling her father’s dream of a just society is worth losing Cedric, as well as all chances of saving her sister’s life.

I hold a bachelor’s degree in English and live in Wisconsin with my husband and two mischievous cats. When I’m not writing or reading, I enjoy rewatching Star Wars, painting oil portraits, and eating chocolate-covered snacks.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[author name]

Dear [First and Last Name of Agent],

[Insert agent personalization here if applicable]. A sticky-fingered nurse joins her regime’s brutal military to save her sister from a deadly plague and exact revenge on the officer who killed her father in ACE OF STEEL, my 84,000-word YA dystopian novel with series potential. It will appeal to fans of the grounded worldbuilding and strong family bonds in Marie Lu’s SKYHUNTER and the female-led revenge arc in Xiran Jay Zhao’s IRON WIDOW.

First two sentences are fine. If you do end up using agent personalization, use a hard return after that personalization so “A sticky-fingered nurse..” starts its own para. I think it is fine to start with a logline UNLESS I read the rest of your query and think it needs more content, in which case you’d have to sacrifice the logline to gain back some space. (You’re at 375 words here, which is pushing the upper limit.)

This is just my opinion, but I think you should swap “dystopian” for another word, like fantasy. We had a dystopian boom after Hunger Games, then a bust when the market was too saturated with it and it wouldn’t sell. I don’t think there is saturation right now, but we are living in a dystopia, so I don’t think people want to see the word. This is also IMHO, as everything else is, but I think you should cut “with series potential as well.” If it has series potential and your publisher realizes this, it would inevitably come up in conversation. I say this because 1) there’s no way that saying “with series potential” moves the needle even one degree from “no” to “yes”— a third of the queries they are getting will say “with series potential.” 2) there’s some chance it moves the needle one degree towards no, or even if it doesn’t move the needle at all, a lot of agents have read many many many queries of people who wrote one giant book and cut it into pieces and slapped the label “with series potential” on it. TLDR: You don’t need to say “series potential” if the book actually has series potential. The thing that matters is that it is standalone and it is good. You absolutely DO have to say it is a series if the individual books do not stand on their own at all. (in which case, you have several uphill battles.)

About your comps: I think they are good. I did want to say, I don’t think you are Asian, but if you are and are trying to telegraph “I am Asian” without saying you are, just say that you are. (again, I didn’t think that you were, just that I’ve seen queries where the person telegraphs their race by using racially-matched comps rather than just saying it.)

Seventeen-year-old Thalia Tanner hates her job as a Caregiver at the Purgatory Zone, a facility reserved for Purity Officers and their families struck with the contagious Charcoal Death plague. Supposedly making the Officers more comfortable during their final hours, Thalia robs the living corpses of their valuables to support her mother and sisters. But when the Death infects her youngest sister, Thalia’s only chance at saving her is by enlisting as an Officer and competing in the Steel Gauntlet, four deadly puzzles designed to eliminate all personal weaknesses. If she solves the puzzles within three weeks, she will earn the Death’s cure in exchange for a lifetime’s service as an Officer. If she fails, both she and her sister will die.

I did want to point out that you have six proper nouns in this intro para. An issue frequently seen in SFF queries is that there is a lot of vocabulary. Sometimes vocabulary is necessary, but remember vocabulary will never sell a book. Character, premise, plot, or voice will. So use as little vocab as possible. Which of these absolutely have to be named? I think you want to convey that she hates her job, and what that job is, but you didn’t say why— does she hate it because she actually hates Purity Officers because she disagrees with them politically? Or does she hate her job because she just doesn’t like caregiving? It seems as if she is ideologically opposed to the whole system, but is forced to take care of the very people she hates, you’ve left out this critical detail.

The thing that is hard about SFF queries is that when you’re dealing with worldbuilding, it isn’t the worldbuilding that matters, ultimately. It’s the character sitting inside the worldbuilding. Do I care about a luxury resort in Thailand called White Lotus? No, I care about the interaction between that place (the worldbuilding) and the fucked up people who go there (the characters).

I would change this so it leads with why she hates it, not that she hates it. Does she hate it because she disagrees with quarantine? Because she hates what the Purity Officers do? Or maybe she doesn’t care about politics but a Purity Officer killed someone she loved? By the way, I don’t actually know what a Purity Officer is. I need to know that more than I need to know the name of the plague (which I think you can just call a deadly plague).

I want to make sure I understand the logic here: is the reason enlisting to become an Officer is the only way to save her sister because her sister will then get to live in the facility and receive care? (If that isn’t the case, that isn’t clear here). I think you can cut “If she fails..” because that is implied.

Once the Trials commence, Thalia is thrilled to learn that her commanding Officer killed her father in an uprising five years before. Armed with her expert knife skills, she plans to murder the Officer before she earns the cure at graduation. But first, she must survive the Gauntlet in close proximity with the Officer’s son, Cedric Carrington, an annoyingly handsome rich boy obsessed with his own dreams of vengeance. Against her better judgment, she falls in love with Cedric as she slashes her way to the final puzzle. But when her father’s insurgents track her down and urge her to rebel against the Officers, Thalia must decide whether fulfilling her father’s dream of a just society is worth losing Cedric, as well as all chances of saving her sister’s life.

I think the thing we’re missing here is what exactly do the purity officers do? Are these like the Basij in Iran attacking women for not having their hair covered?

I would not use the word “thrilled” here— it’s off. You have an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone here: either here or in the para above, you can mention that a Purity Officer killed her father in an uprising 5 years ago (which gives us a reason for her to hate them, but not all of them). I know it should seem obvious, but I think you should say “murder the officer in secret”— no one aims to be discovered when murdering, but she has two goals here, and a murder that attracts a lot of attention could prevent her from earning the cure. (but also, can’t she murder him AFTER she earns the cure? her sister’s life is the more proximate thing…)

Why does she have to survive the gauntlet in close proximity to his son? Are they both going through the trials? If your book is 30% or more focused on the romance, I would give one more sentence or phrase about the romance- like why she falls in love with him. (eg, “As they explore the jungle together, she sees another side to him—one that desperately want to X and Y”)

With respect to this: “annoyingly handsome rich boy obsessed with his own dreams of vengeance. Against her better judgment, she falls in love with Cedric as she slashes her way to the final puzzle. But when her father’s insurgents track her down and urge her to rebel against the Officers..” I can’t exactly help you here and you might need to ask around among people who are well read in fantasy and romantasy but— I haven’t read Fourth Wing but this sounds like the Xaden setup in Fourth Wing—again I could be wrong. What you should ask someone more well versed in fantasy/romantasy: is that particular setup a familiar trope in fantasy/ romantasy, or is it not a trope and is it just a plot element close to Fourth Wing? (I was assuming, based on him wanting vengeance, that he’s actually anti-regime, and therefore pro insurgency- then the MC has a lost relative associated with the anti-regime forces, which sounds like Fourth Wing).

I hold a bachelor’s degree in English and live in Wisconsin with my husband and two mischievous cats. When I’m not writing or reading, I enjoy rewatching Star Wars, painting oil portraits, and eating chocolate-covered snacks.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[author name]

This is fine.

Now that I’ve gone through the whole thing, let’s go back and consider the thing as a whole.

What do I know about your character? I know her name, I know she hates her job (though it isn’t 100% clear why), she’s willing to steal off the dead (this is a good detail), I know she’s willing to sacrifice herself for her sister, and that she’s vengeful. IMHO, I think you need one or two more dashes of character, because sacrificing herself for her sister and wanting revenge is what 99.9% of MCs in action books would do. “I volunteer as tribute” has literally become a meme. It’s fine if this is what she actually does, I just want to know how she is different than other action heroes in these sorts of books. A lot of YA fantasy novels are going to have kick-ass female characters with knife skills. I can take what you’ve said and make two completely different characters: a cut-throat cold blooded killer who sees the dead bodies come in while calculating what their jewelry is worth—she cares for her sister but is cold to her because she knows the world is cruel and cold and no one else is going to show her mercy OR a shy timid girl who uses her mousy status to sidle up to expensive objects and steals them, though she’s terrified the entire time, she’s willing to do it for her little sister, who is also her best friend who taught her all the knife skills she knows, because it’s actually the sister who is the kickass one.

Think about the interaction between the character and the setup (world). Katniss Everdeen is interesting because she is physically competent and would volunteer as tribute BUT she sort of unwillingly gets pulled into this political/ PR role she is uncomfortable with. (I always thought it was a bit unfair when people accused Suzanne Collins of just copying the idea of Battle Royale, because it ignores everything that happens outside the Hunger Games themselves—the world that is. The fact that wealthy people have commodified the death of poor people for entertainment.)

Roland Deschain in Stephen King’s Dark Tower series is an action hero that feels familiar in some ways— he’s basically a knight in the form of a gunslinger—he’s fighting for the world to be repaired and will save the little guy from the bad guys… but there’s other layers there: he’s from a Camelot that has fallen, the world has moved on, and Roland has this world-weariness. He also has this unrelenting goal of reaching the Tower, to the extent to where Eddie, his right hand man, says to him once, “You’d step over my dead body to get to the Tower wouldn’t you?” and Roland agrees and his answer is controversial to neither. The world in The Dark Tower is one that is breaking apart at the seams. What was fair and good in the world is long gone and things are getting increasingly chaotic. Roland is a walking relic.

Think about who your character is and where your character stands in the world. In one of my SFF pieces, Guava Summer, this private detective living under a totalitarian government and he just wants to stay out of trouble. Sure he breaks the law a little, but who doesn’t when virtually everything is illegal, and he can make microchips that help people avoid government surveillance, but even the police buy them from him. But he falls in with a beautiful android and he absolutely would break rules and risk getting into trouble for her, because her existence itself is illegal.

You really want to highlight what is special about the interaction between your character(s) and the world you’ve created. The reason for this is this: I can say with absolute certainty that the agents you are querying are going to have multiple queries about girls in dystopias entering some sort of tough battle for some morally correct reason all the while falling in love with a jerky hot guy who turns out not to be jerky. They need to know why yours is different. It’s not bad that this is what the book is about, because this type of book perennially has a market—it just makes it harder for you because the competition will be lined up against each other. If you came up with a wild high concept premise that no one had ever heard before, then it’s easier to sell to an agent or editor. Just be aware that if you are treading in familiar water, we need to be clear on what is unique and interesting about this particular book.

One thing that stuck out to me, was that you said that the four puzzles were designed to eliminate your personal weaknesses. I found this intriguing and maybe you could include more. Does each trial focus on a different personal weakness? Many of these types of action books involve a person having to go through a particular challenge, but these challenges are often about being physically tough or clever, and not about ones personal weaknesses. I’m imagining that these tasks are tied to the overall world’s obsession with purity— which is exactly why I think you need more about this specific thing. Not a ton more- a sentence or two would probably do it.

So I know it’s a tall order, but you’d need to get a bit more character and a bit more world in here— in particular, focus on the things that make your book unique and different. If I read a hundred queries today, why would I remember Thalia above any of the other action heroes?

If you have questions, you can put them in the comments. If you are the author of the query and don’t want to reveal yourself, you can DM me your questions and let me know if you would or wouldn’t want me to add that part of the discussion to the comment section for others’ benefit. Also, readers, if you disagree with anything I’ve said, feel free to comment (I am not as well versed in fantasy as other genres and could 100% be wrong about the Fourth Wing thing.)

If you, by the way, would like to have a query reviewed by yours truly, or some other editorial thing, check out here for pricing.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash